Solitude

It's 2 o'clock on Thanksgiving Day, and I am alone.

The sky outside my window is oyster gray, and the autumn leaves are pops of orange, gold, and red against it. It is quiet because I have no tv or music playing. It is warm because the oven was used for baking a vanilla creme cake earlier, which sets on my kitchen table now, cooling and waiting for the creme and the chocolate glaze. There is a vegan turkey roasting in the oven now, and when that is done, in will go a sweet potato and an apple- both rubbed in coconut oil and sprinkled with cinnamon. I will then saute some julienne sliced green beans in butter and garlic. This will be my meal on the day of thanks.

I am thankful for quiet, solitary moments like this, when I can relax and be my whole self because no one is watching, no one is judging. No one will comment on my plain black clothing, or my messy hair, or my face that is bare without makeup. No one is here to criticize my cooking or judge me silently when I lounge on the couch reading The Bell Jar with freshly painted toe nails.

I am alone. And when I am alone, I am free.

Back From Hiatus

It's been a while since I blogged. Well, it happens. Sometimes I'll not be in the mood for like 6 months.

I feel darker in mood lately, so the goth side of me is emerging again. Which means naturally, the makeup gets darker, more dramatic, and the clothes are all black. Not everyone agrees that this is a "good look" for me. Do I give a shit? Nope. This is MY life, and I am living it for me. There is very little in my life that I can control right now, but how I dress is one of them, and I am taking full advantage of that. Don't like it? Don't look at me.

My meds haven't done me any favors, so I'm slowly tapering myself off of them. The therapy is shit. I only go because I have to, as per my lawyer. So right now, any "help" I get is inside myself. Which ain't shit. I'm just done with pretending that everything is okay. NOTHING is okay. I'M not okay. It's all FUCKED.

I voted early. It was a fucking madhouse and showed me that my social anxiety has worsened greatly. I could barely breathe, all I wanted to do was RUN out of there. But I made myself do it. For God and Country, as they say. Here's to hoping the country doesn't go to shit after election day.