Like A Soul Breaking

Chris Cornell of Soundgarden, Audioslave, Temple of the Dog, etc. He died yesterday. Committed suicide by hanging himself in a Detroit hotel room. I can't stop crying.

I grieve the loss of such a talented and meaningful musician, I am saddened and surprised at the realization that he was depressed and had been suicidal for a while, and I also can't help but mourn the death of the grunge music that was such a huge part of my teen years. It's just a sad fucking day in general.

Speaking of depression- I am in full-fledged depressed mode right now and have been for months. I (as usual) have no idea what is triggering it, but I have tried everything to make it go away and it's sticking around. The shitty part is that I can't talk about it. Everyone is either sick of hearing about it, or they don't know what to say. And honestly, talking about it doesn't even help anymore. That's something that scares me, if I'm to tell the truth. I've always been able to get past my depression by feeling free to talk about it. But I don't feel free anymore. I feel shushed. I feel shamed for even having feelings of that nature because it's seen these days as "attention seeking" or like I'm being a downer. Knowing this makes me want to keep it all inside because there's no use in letting it out. And keeping it in can be dangerous.

Did Chris Cornell keep it all in? Did he feel like death was his only way to be free of the dark feelings that plagued him? Did he finally give up on talking them away, drinking them away, snorting or shooting them away? Is death the final phase of this kind of depression? Is it inevitable? I look at all the people in history who couldn't fight it, and I wonder...is this my fate too?

"He hurt so bad, like a soul breaking, but he never said nothing to me." - Say Hello To Heaven, Temple of the Dog

Sick To Death

My life is so boring.

There was a time when that's all I wanted- a mundane, predictable, stable life. I grew up with zero stability, 100% chaos. Parties my mother would throw that lasted til dawn the next day (even though I had to try to sleep through it because of school the next day), domestic violence (seeing step-dad choke mom, mom throws the phone to me, I start to call cops, then step-dad comes after me), mom's bipolar bad moods, etc. I dreamed of growing up and living a life more ordinary.

Now I have it. I got what I wanted, albeit through a cruel twist. My health sucks. Because of that, I am stuck here, day in and day out, doing the same thing. Get up, do what chores my body will allow, spend some time online, walk if I am able and the weather is nice, shower, eat, maybe watch some tv, maybe talk to the bf online, then go to bed.

I'm so sick of this.