HATE

I fucking hate myself.

I hate how I look, obviously. Anyone who knows me knows that. I'm too tall for a girl, too fat, and my fat doesn't even go to the right places. You know what places I speak of. My face is asymmetrical, my voice is croaky, I have too much fucking DARK body/facial hair, my head hair is frizzy and falls out like a Golden Retriever's. There is literally nothing I like about my appearance.

Then there is the stuff I've been told about myself over the years by various people, the non-physical stuff: I need to "grow a brain", I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I am boring, too deep, too sensitive, I talk too fucking much, I'm too moody, I have too many issues, I'm overwhelming to be with, I'm too caught up in idealism and dreams, and I am judgmental.

And the stuff I have noticed about myself that no one else has pointed out yet: I feel insecure about blondes and natural redheads. I feel insecure and even somewhat jealous of women who are confident enough to show off their bodies or be flirtatious. I'm staying in a relationship with a man who deserves better than me, therefore ruining his life while he doesn't even realize it. I am a hypocrite about my depression- I advise depressed people about their lives and their illness while I am unable to talk my own self out of my depression. I am a hypocrite when it comes to charity work- I want to help, but because of how much it hurts my heart to see people/animals suffer, I choose not to.

I hate myself. Why does a person who has all the aforementioned issues deserve to live?

Well Screw You Too, Endocrine System.

Only yours truly can bust her butt doing cardio (walking on an incline) and not only NOT lose weight, but instead, end up GAINING 3 pounds!

I'm not giving up. I like exercising, and it makes me feel better, even if it does nothing for my appearance. I like the walks because the scenery is pretty, the street smells like pine and honeysuckle, and I can be alone with my thoughts. I will keep walking, further and further, and I will get my body into the best shape possible. Even if it means I'll stay fat (this part is just really unfortunate).