Social Affirmation

This morning I chatted for a while with my neighbors.

This is a big event for me- the recluse. Normally I try to avoid human contact. I don't venture out of the apartment when there are people outside. I don't answer my phone unless it's someone I know I will be comfortable talking to (mostly just my mom and my roommate). I hate social situations because I am always so sure that the people around me are judging me, focusing on my flaws and the dumb things I may say, and generally just wishing I was not there.

But today I was awakened by a soft knock on my door. I didn't answer it because I was still half-asleep and didn't know who in the world could be wanting my company. Later, when I had fully awakened, I heard my two neighbors (middle-aged ladies who like to chat on one of their porches) and I stepped outside to ask if either of them had been the one who had awoken me by knocking on my door. They said no, and explained to me that it had been Jehovah's Witnesses who had knocked earlier, because they had also been visited by them.

After this, the neighbors and I continued to chat about little things, like my tattoo, their nail art, my toenail polish, and general preferences we each have in beauty trends. Girl talk, I guess you could say, lol. It was pleasant. The more we chatted, the more comfortable I became in the situation. I actually felt tempted to ask if they would like to have a "Nail Night"- an evening where we could all get together and do our nails. I didn't ask, however. Social anxiety and the fear of rejection got the best of me, as usual.

My focus for today is figuring out how to be more comfortable in social situations. How to allow myself to be in groups and share a conversation. How to let go of the fear that I am being scrutinized and judged by the people I am with. It is my hope that in time, I can let go of my fears and just be, no matter who is around me.

A Holy Experience

Today I attended my very first Episcopal church service.

I was highly nervous, because I have felt lead to this particular faith for almost 3 years now, but have not had the nerve to actually attend a service until today. Why was I afraid? Because I have previous negative experiences with churches and parishioners, and also- this is the church I have been fixated on for years! I had no idea what to expect, and I had convinced myself that it was something to be feared and intimidated by.

The church itself is in a somewhat prominent and wealthy part of my city, which had me thinking that the congregation would be full of snooty well-to-doers who would not accept a lowly disabled woman living in poverty (like myself). So I suppose that's what I was very much afraid of. That, and also the fact that I have never attended an Episcopal church before, and had no idea about their rituals, their protocol, etc. It was scary! Nevertheless, I decided that today was the day. God had been pulling me toward this place for years- I had to go!

Upon entering, I was struck by how lovely the church was on the inside. It was a rustic-looking chapel full of wood and brick, with a second-story loft area reserved for the choir and the musical instruments. Impressive stained glass everywhere, and genuine wooden pews with bibles, hymnals, and well-worn copies of The Book Of Common Prayer.

(This is not the actual church interior, but it looks similar.)

My friend and I made our way to the very back of the seating area (at my insistence), and we sat down, waiting for service to begin. Music started, and a procession of parishioners in long white robes and green sashes come ceremoniously up the aisle, toward the raised podium. Candles are lit by children in white, The cross is held high for all to acknowledge (which some did by bowing or making the sign of the cross), and the priest stepped forward to begin.

The sermon itself was on the topic of showing unconditional love to our fellows, and resolving conflict with those we encounter who may have hurt us or offended us in some way. The priest shared a few of his personal experiences with such things, then he read from the books of Ezekiel and Matthew. He made a valuable point: not one of us has more importance in the eyes of the Lord than anyone else. We are equal in God's love. Hymns were sung, music was played, and kneeling during prayer took place- something I am not accustomed to. I didn't kneel, as I was unfamiliar and anxious, but no one batted an eye. Communion was offered. Rows of people moved toward the altar to kneel around it and receive the body of Christ. I didn't do this either- too nervous! But again, no one looked at me accusingly. This was quite relieving.

As the service drew to a close, the choir again proceeded in a line toward the exit doors, all the while singing softly a hymn of blessing. It was beautiful, a little solemn, and with the music and the candles being snuffed out... well, I began to cry! I couldn't stop it, it was like a peace and a love had settled over me. It was the presence of God.

I feel positive about this church and my attraction to it. I believe that God has lead me there. I will definitely be attending every possible day that I can from now on. What a wonderful experience.

Onward to Health

Yesterday I started my walking routine again. It was a 30 minute walk, not a slow one, but a power-walk. My heart rate was definitely at calorie-burning maximum! I am sore today, but that's the price I have to pay to keep my weight down. I've gained three pounds- I am at 223 now. I am NOT comfortable with this weight, and so I am doing something about it. Hopefully my body will grow accustomed to the exercise and my flare-ups will be lessened, either in severity or frequency.

Walking is therapeutic for me- not as much so as running, but still. I love it in the fall especially. The changing leaves, the smell of wood smoke from chimneys, and the scampering of squirrels preparing for winter- all of it gives me good feelings. Fall is my favorite.

I am trying to cut out sugar and carbs once again, because I know that I always keep my weight down this way. It's more expensive to eat like that, but the benefits it has on my body are well worth it, I think. Hopefully by the time the new year comes around, I will have lost most of what I gained in the past year!!