This is a big event for me- the recluse. Normally I try to avoid human contact. I don't venture out of the apartment when there are people outside. I don't answer my phone unless it's someone I know I will be comfortable talking to (mostly just my mom and my roommate). I hate social situations because I am always so sure that the people around me are judging me, focusing on my flaws and the dumb things I may say, and generally just wishing I was not there.
But today I was awakened by a soft knock on my door. I didn't answer it because I was still half-asleep and didn't know who in the world could be wanting my company. Later, when I had fully awakened, I heard my two neighbors (middle-aged ladies who like to chat on one of their porches) and I stepped outside to ask if either of them had been the one who had awoken me by knocking on my door. They said no, and explained to me that it had been Jehovah's Witnesses who had knocked earlier, because they had also been visited by them.
After this, the neighbors and I continued to chat about little things, like my tattoo, their nail art, my toenail polish, and general preferences we each have in beauty trends. Girl talk, I guess you could say, lol. It was pleasant. The more we chatted, the more comfortable I became in the situation. I actually felt tempted to ask if they would like to have a "Nail Night"- an evening where we could all get together and do our nails. I didn't ask, however. Social anxiety and the fear of rejection got the best of me, as usual.
My focus for today is figuring out how to be more comfortable in social situations. How to allow myself to be in groups and share a conversation. How to let go of the fear that I am being scrutinized and judged by the people I am with. It is my hope that in time, I can let go of my fears and just be, no matter who is around me.
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