Why I Decided Against Ever Again Being In A Poly Relationship

(Disclaimer: This list is based on my own personal experiences, and is not reflective of all polyamorous or polygamous relationships)



1. There is less privacy when you add more people to an existing two-party relationship.

     No matter what you two do, or where you go, or what goes on between you, there is always a third party to be considered and informed. No more impromptu day trips to the mountains! You have to let partner #3 know about it and make sure she's going to feel loved and included, even if she won't be there with you.
     To me it feels a lot like what it must feel like to be on a romantic date with your new gf, who has to leave the table every 10 minutes to call the babysitter and check on her child, and when she comes back to the table, all she can talk about is her child. Everything reminds her of her child, and before you take her home, she insists on shopping for a little something to bring home for her child. You get the idea- the third partner isn't always with you...but in a way, she totally is.

2. If the new partner isn't into both of you equally, trouble will arise.

     When you add a new partner to an existing couple, you'd better make sure the new partner is romantically interested in BOTH of you, equally. If not, there's going to be imbalanced affections and unfair time management, and there will always be a drop of vinegar in the milk, so to speak.
     When meeting new people to possibly add to your relationship, it's important for both of you to spend time with her individually, to ensure that there is romantic chemistry between all of you. If you're lucky enough to meet someone who clicks with you both, congrats! If not... best keep looking.

3. The logistics just complicate everything.

Let's face it- in any situation, if you're trying to build something, the more people you add, the more complicated it's going to be, and the more difficult it will be to manage the entire project. It's no different when it comes to relationships. If it's just you and your sweetheart, things can still be difficult at times, but it's a lot faster to resolve conflict because it's just the two of you. Add another partner or two, and conflict becomes a boardroom situation that can take ages to resolve. Also, the more people involved, the higher the potential for there to be all-out war, with multiple partners siding together against another, etc. It's never pretty.

4. If you value intimacy, poly can feel like a nightmare.

    In a poly relationship, getting intimate time is sometimes difficult, especially if you're like me and need intimate time with just one of your partners at a time. If you're afraid of storms and just want your boyfriend to spend the night holding your hand, he may not be available because he might be out dancing with partner #3.
     This was my least favorite part of poly, and probably the biggest reason why I don't want to try it again. I want a partner who isn't juggling multiple partners, but is available for me when he isn't busy. (This also ties in with reason number one, above- less intimacy between partners)

5. If you're an introvert, poly can feel like a party you can't shut down.

     Obviously. More people = more conversation, movement, and physical interaction. Even when all you want is a quiet night at home with a book. This tends to be more of a problem if the partners share a residence, but even in the case that they don't, getting peace and quiet can pose a problem if all of the partners are in the same place at the same time.
     I'm very introverted and I like to spend time at home. If I want to cook a meal, share it with my partners, and then settle down to watch a serious movie with them, I have to be open to the possibility that one or more of my partners will be in a very different (extroverted) mood. Perhaps they want to chat about their day instead of watching the film, or they don't want to sit at home, they want to go see a movie at the theater. You can't just do what's "comfortable" in a poly relationship- you have to adapt to what the group is feeling, and sometimes that means being in a loud active environment when all you want is quiet introspection.

Those are the 5 main reasons I will never attempt poly again. Some people are very good at poly relationships. Some people can manage them, can handle the pressures, the conflicts, and the multiple partners. Some people are made for the "group mentality" that poly often requires. Some people build beautiful poly lives with their partners, and are genuinely happy. I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm just saying it's not the life I want.
     The ending of my last (poly) relationship was meant to be, and I am thankful for the learning experience it provided.

Backed Into A Corner

I've reached a point where I can no longer live the way I have been living for 5 years now.

I have written about my disabilities before (fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder, CFS) and how they affect my daily life. I am unable to work, and I have to ration my energy like it's valuable gold that will not be replenished. So I have been staying with my best friend for 5 years, while in the process of applying for disability income.

Yes, you read that correctly. FIVE YEARS I have been waiting. I had a lawyer from the very start, because I read that having a lawyer speeds the process along. What a joke. Here I am, 5 years later, having exhausted all resources, my friends and family's patience for me having worn thin, and with no hope for any positive news regarding my case any time soon. So what do I do now?

I go back to work.

I really don't know what else there is to do. Is my body able? No. But do I have a choice? No. I am backed into the proverbial corner, and it's time I made my move. I have no support, no one in my circle. I am the only one who can get myself out of this. So I guess that's what I will have to do.

More news as it happens, will keep this blog updated as long as I have internet access. (And I am not sure how much longer that will be.)

The End

Well, it's done.

My relationship I mean. My long-distance relationship of nearly 6 years is finished.

I'm not as broken up about it as one would expect, because I think I felt like it was over months ago. It was only made official last night, but for me, it's been over for a long time. I learned a lot from him. I learned to set boundaries with people who used to run me over. I learned to trust someone completely; something I had never previously been able to do. I learned to allow others to be themselves, and to accept them that way. I learned to value my modesty and my body, and share it only with those who truly deserve it.

I also learned that I can never again open myself completely to someone. When I do so, I overwhelm them and swallow them whole with my looming depression and insecurity. People cannot handle me at 100 proof. I must always be diluted.

"Always."

I recently learned that J.K. Rowling suffers from depression. This information blew my mind, yet, in a way, I should have realized.

Re-reading The Prisoner of Azkaban, I noticed how precisely Azkaban resembled the "prison" of depression I live in every day, and how the Dementors so closely resemble the "demons" I wrestle with when my worst days come. 

"They don't need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they're trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most go mad within weeks." - Remus Lupin on Azkaban

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself... soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

—Description of Dementors

This is exactly how depression feels, and I knew when I read PoA that Rowling had to know it personally. Sirius Black is the only person to have escaped Azkaban with his wits, because he turned himself into a dog when the dementors were around. This is meaningful to me too, considering the dog is my favorite animal, and in the world of animals, the most loyal to man and the most likely to love unconditionally. The fact that the dementors left Sirius alone while he was in this form is touching. Perhaps these things are why PoA is my favorite book in the Harry Potter series. 

I am in a major HP obsession phase right now, and someone recently had the gall to jokingly quip, "You're obsessed...15 years after the fact." 

My response?