1. There is less privacy when you add more people to an existing two-party relationship.
No matter what you two do, or where you go, or what goes on between you, there is always a third party to be considered and informed. No more impromptu day trips to the mountains! You have to let partner #3 know about it and make sure she's going to feel loved and included, even if she won't be there with you.
To me it feels a lot like what it must feel like to be on a romantic date with your new gf, who has to leave the table every 10 minutes to call the babysitter and check on her child, and when she comes back to the table, all she can talk about is her child. Everything reminds her of her child, and before you take her home, she insists on shopping for a little something to bring home for her child. You get the idea- the third partner isn't always with you...but in a way, she totally is.
2. If the new partner isn't into both of you equally, trouble will arise.
When you add a new partner to an existing couple, you'd better make sure the new partner is romantically interested in BOTH of you, equally. If not, there's going to be imbalanced affections and unfair time management, and there will always be a drop of vinegar in the milk, so to speak.
When meeting new people to possibly add to your relationship, it's important for both of you to spend time with her individually, to ensure that there is romantic chemistry between all of you. If you're lucky enough to meet someone who clicks with you both, congrats! If not... best keep looking.
3. The logistics just complicate everything.
Let's face it- in any situation, if you're trying to build something, the more people you add, the more complicated it's going to be, and the more difficult it will be to manage the entire project. It's no different when it comes to relationships. If it's just you and your sweetheart, things can still be difficult at times, but it's a lot faster to resolve conflict because it's just the two of you. Add another partner or two, and conflict becomes a boardroom situation that can take ages to resolve. Also, the more people involved, the higher the potential for there to be all-out war, with multiple partners siding together against another, etc. It's never pretty.
4. If you value intimacy, poly can feel like a nightmare.
In a poly relationship, getting intimate time is sometimes difficult, especially if you're like me and need intimate time with just one of your partners at a time. If you're afraid of storms and just want your boyfriend to spend the night holding your hand, he may not be available because he might be out dancing with partner #3.
This was my least favorite part of poly, and probably the biggest reason why I don't want to try it again. I want a partner who isn't juggling multiple partners, but is available for me when he isn't busy. (This also ties in with reason number one, above- less intimacy between partners)
5. If you're an introvert, poly can feel like a party you can't shut down.
Obviously. More people = more conversation, movement, and physical interaction. Even when all you want is a quiet night at home with a book. This tends to be more of a problem if the partners share a residence, but even in the case that they don't, getting peace and quiet can pose a problem if all of the partners are in the same place at the same time.
I'm very introverted and I like to spend time at home. If I want to cook a meal, share it with my partners, and then settle down to watch a serious movie with them, I have to be open to the possibility that one or more of my partners will be in a very different (extroverted) mood. Perhaps they want to chat about their day instead of watching the film, or they don't want to sit at home, they want to go see a movie at the theater. You can't just do what's "comfortable" in a poly relationship- you have to adapt to what the group is feeling, and sometimes that means being in a loud active environment when all you want is quiet introspection.
Those are the 5 main reasons I will never attempt poly again. Some people are very good at poly relationships. Some people can manage them, can handle the pressures, the conflicts, and the multiple partners. Some people are made for the "group mentality" that poly often requires. Some people build beautiful poly lives with their partners, and are genuinely happy. I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm just saying it's not the life I want.
The ending of my last (poly) relationship was meant to be, and I am thankful for the learning experience it provided.
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