I started the process of therapy recently.
I have only had one visit with my therapist so far, but it went well (to my surprise) and he made me very comfortable. The facility was nice, the people were friendly, and overall, I felt like they could help me.
The first visit was an intake visit, so there wasn't much in-depth talking going on, but we touched on my past trauma and how it is affecting me today. In time, I hope to make progress with behavioral therapy, and perhaps overcome my fear and anxiety that plagues me every single day and prevents me from living a real life.
My pain has been increased lately (I blame weather changes), but I'm trying really hard to maintain a positive outlook- even if I don't always show it outwardly. >.>
I realize that I have a lot of issues to work through, and that my journey is at the very beginning. But I'm giving it all I have. That's all I can do.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Perspective
Perspective is something I am trying to bring into my life and myself presently.
As an artist, I understand that perspective is very important for developing an eye for proportion and dimension. This not only applies to art, I am realizing. It applies to everything. How I see the world, how I see others, how I see my relationships, and how I see myself, both inside and out.
I've long struggled with my weight as a result of PCOS and adrenal fatigue. It's caused me a lot of grief and lead to me having a pretty low self-esteem. As a young adult and teen, I suffered through eating disorders and over-exercising in an attempt to reach the "ideal" body. When those methods failed, I felt worthless, like I couldn't even accomplish such a seemingly easy task as weight loss. (Less calories in, more calories burned. It should be that simple, right? Wrong.) The fact is, because my body didn't change the way I wanted it to, I saw myself as a failure and a waste of space. My entire self-esteem was dependent upon how I saw my body.
Years later, at 33 years old, I'm realizing this still holds true for me. When I am losing/have lost weight, my self esteem tends to rise, bubble up like champagne! I feel great, I think I look good, and I feel worthy of being touched, looked at, and loved. Yet, on the opposite end, when I am gaining or have gained weight, I feel repulsive, untouchable, unworthy of being looked at or loved. I realize this is unhealthy and unfair to me.
Why do I allow myself to make my body such an important part of how I am to be treated by others and by myself? When I look at magazines and watch movies, I realize that the women I see are paid to look the way they do. I realize that most of the ones in the magazines have been Photosopped and they themselves don't even look like what the mags present them as! When I look at women on the street, I appreciate and embrace all body types- tall, short, thin, fat, chubby, curvy, boyish, athletic- they're all unique and lovely in my eyes. So why can't I look at myself and see the same unique and lovely body?
The answer to that is perspective.
My goal for this year is to work tirelessly on correcting my distorted perspective- in art, life, my relationships, and in how I see myself.
As an artist, I understand that perspective is very important for developing an eye for proportion and dimension. This not only applies to art, I am realizing. It applies to everything. How I see the world, how I see others, how I see my relationships, and how I see myself, both inside and out.
I've long struggled with my weight as a result of PCOS and adrenal fatigue. It's caused me a lot of grief and lead to me having a pretty low self-esteem. As a young adult and teen, I suffered through eating disorders and over-exercising in an attempt to reach the "ideal" body. When those methods failed, I felt worthless, like I couldn't even accomplish such a seemingly easy task as weight loss. (Less calories in, more calories burned. It should be that simple, right? Wrong.) The fact is, because my body didn't change the way I wanted it to, I saw myself as a failure and a waste of space. My entire self-esteem was dependent upon how I saw my body.
Years later, at 33 years old, I'm realizing this still holds true for me. When I am losing/have lost weight, my self esteem tends to rise, bubble up like champagne! I feel great, I think I look good, and I feel worthy of being touched, looked at, and loved. Yet, on the opposite end, when I am gaining or have gained weight, I feel repulsive, untouchable, unworthy of being looked at or loved. I realize this is unhealthy and unfair to me.
Why do I allow myself to make my body such an important part of how I am to be treated by others and by myself? When I look at magazines and watch movies, I realize that the women I see are paid to look the way they do. I realize that most of the ones in the magazines have been Photosopped and they themselves don't even look like what the mags present them as! When I look at women on the street, I appreciate and embrace all body types- tall, short, thin, fat, chubby, curvy, boyish, athletic- they're all unique and lovely in my eyes. So why can't I look at myself and see the same unique and lovely body?
The answer to that is perspective.
My goal for this year is to work tirelessly on correcting my distorted perspective- in art, life, my relationships, and in how I see myself.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
A Journey Toward The Positive
I will make my first entry about who I am and what I'm going to write about here. There is a lot more to me and my past than what I can ever put to paper, but this blog is about my journey toward contentment, health, and true happiness. The kind that comes from within, not without.
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in 2004, after realizing that I had almost every symptom of it. I had never had my first menstrual cycle (I was 24!), I was unable to lose weight even though I jogged daily and ate fewer than 800 calories a day (I was anorexic in high school). I had poor skin and excessive body/facial hair, both of which were extremely embarrassing. These problems were accompanied by depression and low self-esteem.
After being diagnosed, my doctor prescribed birth control pills, which admittedly did make my period start, but also did nothing more. I have since gone on and off birth control, but as of 4 months ago, my period has been regular. I credit this to a supplement I've started called 'Omega3 DHA-EFA'. I get the vegan version made from seaweed, as I have been vegan for almost a year now.
Once I did start having a period, they were heavy, extremely painful, and came with mood swings, irritability, and nausea. It still affects me this way each month! But my hope is that in time, I can see an endocrinologist and get my hormones corrected. That's part of the journey I will record here.
Just last year, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. This is undoubtedly the medical issue that causes me the most grief. Chronic pain, headaches, vertigo, constant fatigue, nausea, brain fog, aches and pains of every kind- dull, sharp, thudding, moving, and throbbing. It seems like every day a new fibro symptom is revealed. Gluten sensitivity, tooth sensitivity, eye sensitivity. This is a fairly random illness, and everyone who suffers from it feels it in a different way.
As a result of this illness, I have had to stop working, and last year I applied for disability benefits. This alone has been a major struggle for me. I've been a working person for years, and to have to give up my independence in this way makes me feel ashamed, worthless, and like I am a burden to everyone I know. It caused me to spiral into a depression that has been very hard to recover from. I became convinced that no one wanted to deal with the problems I presented. It was causing intense problems with how I relate to the people in my life.
I recently found a support group on Facebook for people with chronic illness, and talking to the people there who are going through the same things I am has made a difference in how I feel about my health problems. I realize that what I'm going through right now is a grieving process- I'm mourning the loss of the person I used to be. I didn't know that before.
My life has changed, and therefore I have changed in many ways. But my core values are the same, and my wishes essentially have not changed. The people in my life who don't understand or accept my illness and my new life...they don't matter. They are close-minded and judgmental. And frankly I don't want to waste my time and energy on worrying about them. I'm not going to kill myself worrying about calories anymore, especially since it doesn't do any good whatsoever. It's a waste.
From now on, I would like my life to be focused on positivity, transformation, and learning how to nurture and love myself. This blog will be about ways I do that, and the results!
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in 2004, after realizing that I had almost every symptom of it. I had never had my first menstrual cycle (I was 24!), I was unable to lose weight even though I jogged daily and ate fewer than 800 calories a day (I was anorexic in high school). I had poor skin and excessive body/facial hair, both of which were extremely embarrassing. These problems were accompanied by depression and low self-esteem.
After being diagnosed, my doctor prescribed birth control pills, which admittedly did make my period start, but also did nothing more. I have since gone on and off birth control, but as of 4 months ago, my period has been regular. I credit this to a supplement I've started called 'Omega3 DHA-EFA'. I get the vegan version made from seaweed, as I have been vegan for almost a year now.
Once I did start having a period, they were heavy, extremely painful, and came with mood swings, irritability, and nausea. It still affects me this way each month! But my hope is that in time, I can see an endocrinologist and get my hormones corrected. That's part of the journey I will record here.
Just last year, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. This is undoubtedly the medical issue that causes me the most grief. Chronic pain, headaches, vertigo, constant fatigue, nausea, brain fog, aches and pains of every kind- dull, sharp, thudding, moving, and throbbing. It seems like every day a new fibro symptom is revealed. Gluten sensitivity, tooth sensitivity, eye sensitivity. This is a fairly random illness, and everyone who suffers from it feels it in a different way.
As a result of this illness, I have had to stop working, and last year I applied for disability benefits. This alone has been a major struggle for me. I've been a working person for years, and to have to give up my independence in this way makes me feel ashamed, worthless, and like I am a burden to everyone I know. It caused me to spiral into a depression that has been very hard to recover from. I became convinced that no one wanted to deal with the problems I presented. It was causing intense problems with how I relate to the people in my life.
I recently found a support group on Facebook for people with chronic illness, and talking to the people there who are going through the same things I am has made a difference in how I feel about my health problems. I realize that what I'm going through right now is a grieving process- I'm mourning the loss of the person I used to be. I didn't know that before.
My life has changed, and therefore I have changed in many ways. But my core values are the same, and my wishes essentially have not changed. The people in my life who don't understand or accept my illness and my new life...they don't matter. They are close-minded and judgmental. And frankly I don't want to waste my time and energy on worrying about them. I'm not going to kill myself worrying about calories anymore, especially since it doesn't do any good whatsoever. It's a waste.
From now on, I would like my life to be focused on positivity, transformation, and learning how to nurture and love myself. This blog will be about ways I do that, and the results!
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