Perspective

Perspective is something I am trying to bring into my life and myself presently.

As an artist, I understand that perspective is very important for developing an eye for proportion and dimension. This not only applies to art, I am realizing. It applies to everything. How I see the world, how I see others, how I see my relationships, and how I see myself, both inside and out.

I've long struggled with my weight as a result of PCOS and adrenal fatigue. It's caused me a lot of grief and lead to me having a pretty low self-esteem. As a young adult and teen, I suffered through eating disorders and over-exercising in an attempt to reach the "ideal" body. When those methods failed, I felt worthless, like I couldn't even accomplish such a seemingly easy task as weight loss. (Less calories in, more calories burned. It should be that simple, right? Wrong.) The fact is, because my body didn't change the way I wanted it to, I saw myself as a failure and a waste of space. My entire self-esteem was dependent upon how I saw my body.

Years later, at 33 years old, I'm realizing this still holds true for me. When I am losing/have lost weight, my self esteem tends to rise, bubble up like champagne! I feel great, I think I look good, and I feel worthy of being touched, looked at, and loved. Yet, on the opposite end, when I am gaining or have gained weight, I feel repulsive, untouchable, unworthy of being looked at or loved. I realize this is unhealthy and unfair to me.

Why do I allow myself to make my body such an important part of how I am to be treated by others and by myself? When I look at magazines and watch movies, I realize that the women I see are paid to look the way they do. I realize that most of the ones in the magazines have been Photosopped and they themselves don't even look like what the mags present them as! When I look at women on the street, I appreciate and embrace all body types- tall, short, thin, fat, chubby, curvy, boyish, athletic- they're all unique and lovely in my eyes. So why can't I look at myself and see the same unique and lovely body?

The answer to that is perspective.

My goal for this year is to work tirelessly on correcting my distorted perspective- in art, life, my relationships, and in how I see myself.