READY

Flowers

Got flowers today from one of my best friends, accompanied by the most touching and beautiful card. It most certainly made me feel more loved than I have felt in a long time.

Social Affirmation

This morning I chatted for a while with my neighbors.

This is a big event for me- the recluse. Normally I try to avoid human contact. I don't venture out of the apartment when there are people outside. I don't answer my phone unless it's someone I know I will be comfortable talking to (mostly just my mom and my roommate). I hate social situations because I am always so sure that the people around me are judging me, focusing on my flaws and the dumb things I may say, and generally just wishing I was not there.

But today I was awakened by a soft knock on my door. I didn't answer it because I was still half-asleep and didn't know who in the world could be wanting my company. Later, when I had fully awakened, I heard my two neighbors (middle-aged ladies who like to chat on one of their porches) and I stepped outside to ask if either of them had been the one who had awoken me by knocking on my door. They said no, and explained to me that it had been Jehovah's Witnesses who had knocked earlier, because they had also been visited by them.

After this, the neighbors and I continued to chat about little things, like my tattoo, their nail art, my toenail polish, and general preferences we each have in beauty trends. Girl talk, I guess you could say, lol. It was pleasant. The more we chatted, the more comfortable I became in the situation. I actually felt tempted to ask if they would like to have a "Nail Night"- an evening where we could all get together and do our nails. I didn't ask, however. Social anxiety and the fear of rejection got the best of me, as usual.

My focus for today is figuring out how to be more comfortable in social situations. How to allow myself to be in groups and share a conversation. How to let go of the fear that I am being scrutinized and judged by the people I am with. It is my hope that in time, I can let go of my fears and just be, no matter who is around me.

A Holy Experience

Today I attended my very first Episcopal church service.

I was highly nervous, because I have felt lead to this particular faith for almost 3 years now, but have not had the nerve to actually attend a service until today. Why was I afraid? Because I have previous negative experiences with churches and parishioners, and also- this is the church I have been fixated on for years! I had no idea what to expect, and I had convinced myself that it was something to be feared and intimidated by.

The church itself is in a somewhat prominent and wealthy part of my city, which had me thinking that the congregation would be full of snooty well-to-doers who would not accept a lowly disabled woman living in poverty (like myself). So I suppose that's what I was very much afraid of. That, and also the fact that I have never attended an Episcopal church before, and had no idea about their rituals, their protocol, etc. It was scary! Nevertheless, I decided that today was the day. God had been pulling me toward this place for years- I had to go!

Upon entering, I was struck by how lovely the church was on the inside. It was a rustic-looking chapel full of wood and brick, with a second-story loft area reserved for the choir and the musical instruments. Impressive stained glass everywhere, and genuine wooden pews with bibles, hymnals, and well-worn copies of The Book Of Common Prayer.

(This is not the actual church interior, but it looks similar.)

My friend and I made our way to the very back of the seating area (at my insistence), and we sat down, waiting for service to begin. Music started, and a procession of parishioners in long white robes and green sashes come ceremoniously up the aisle, toward the raised podium. Candles are lit by children in white, The cross is held high for all to acknowledge (which some did by bowing or making the sign of the cross), and the priest stepped forward to begin.

The sermon itself was on the topic of showing unconditional love to our fellows, and resolving conflict with those we encounter who may have hurt us or offended us in some way. The priest shared a few of his personal experiences with such things, then he read from the books of Ezekiel and Matthew. He made a valuable point: not one of us has more importance in the eyes of the Lord than anyone else. We are equal in God's love. Hymns were sung, music was played, and kneeling during prayer took place- something I am not accustomed to. I didn't kneel, as I was unfamiliar and anxious, but no one batted an eye. Communion was offered. Rows of people moved toward the altar to kneel around it and receive the body of Christ. I didn't do this either- too nervous! But again, no one looked at me accusingly. This was quite relieving.

As the service drew to a close, the choir again proceeded in a line toward the exit doors, all the while singing softly a hymn of blessing. It was beautiful, a little solemn, and with the music and the candles being snuffed out... well, I began to cry! I couldn't stop it, it was like a peace and a love had settled over me. It was the presence of God.

I feel positive about this church and my attraction to it. I believe that God has lead me there. I will definitely be attending every possible day that I can from now on. What a wonderful experience.

Onward to Health

Yesterday I started my walking routine again. It was a 30 minute walk, not a slow one, but a power-walk. My heart rate was definitely at calorie-burning maximum! I am sore today, but that's the price I have to pay to keep my weight down. I've gained three pounds- I am at 223 now. I am NOT comfortable with this weight, and so I am doing something about it. Hopefully my body will grow accustomed to the exercise and my flare-ups will be lessened, either in severity or frequency.

Walking is therapeutic for me- not as much so as running, but still. I love it in the fall especially. The changing leaves, the smell of wood smoke from chimneys, and the scampering of squirrels preparing for winter- all of it gives me good feelings. Fall is my favorite.

I am trying to cut out sugar and carbs once again, because I know that I always keep my weight down this way. It's more expensive to eat like that, but the benefits it has on my body are well worth it, I think. Hopefully by the time the new year comes around, I will have lost most of what I gained in the past year!!

Live Simply

I've spent most of today on my couch or sleeping in my bed, thanks to an old back injury that has decided to flare up.

It's funny how when you're in a lot of pain, you realize what is important to you- and that your needs are in fact, very few indeed. In this state of agony, all I really need is water (I have been so THIRSTY!), a heating pad and ice pack for my aching back, and SLEEP.

I'd like to make more of an effort to live with less of my wants (and the longing for what I don't have) and be more grateful and satisfied when my needs are met. In a world this complicated, there are many benefits to living simply.

Light Breaking Through The Darkness

Earlier I had a meltdown.

I was on the verge of slipping into my bathroom, finding a clean, unused razor in my medicine cabinet, and going to town on some hidden part of my body, the way I have done many times in my past. I have had a lot of triggers in the past two weeks that have stressed my body, mind, and spirit to the absolute max (for me), and I am not proud to say that suicide has been in my "Top 5" of revolving door thoughts this week.

But as an example of how quickly a bipolar mind can change, I wanted to write here and explain what happened five minutes ago as I was washing dishes.

Washing dishes has never been a displeasure for me. Most people complain about the chore, but I rather like it and usually will volunteer to do it. It's like a bubble bath for my hands, and as a bonus, it gets my kitchen clean. Hey, that's a swift sell for me. And doing the dishes usually gives me time to break the cycle of chaotic darkness that is constantly swirling in my mind. I can focus solely on the task at hand, aaaand maybe also allow my mind to create a little world in the basin- islands of soap bubbles, surrounding oceans of oyster-gray washwater, with murky depths that hold treasures of clay and steel (a.k.a., my dishes) below. I like to imagine that time is much faster in this little water world. Continents of soap are reshaped in a matter of seconds. Tidal waves destroy mountains of suds in an instant. And a single swirly motion of my hand can wipe the entire world away...

I'm getting away from my point. Sudsing up my dinnerware in the sink, my mind drifted away from my lousy situation and into a sudden realization (one that would probably make anyone else roll their eyes and say "Duh.", but I'm far slower than most people). The realization that no one is perfect.

This is an old chestnut that gets tossed around all the time, but I guess today its meaning really attached itself to my personal situation. I have issues. Yeah. No one is denying that. We could list them all and still not be finished by tomorrow. But when I think of the people I compare myself to the most, and the people I distance myself from for fear that they will judge me for my issues, and the people I am afraid of because I hold them in such high esteem? I realize now that they have their own issues too. Some are just as serious as mine, and some aren't. But the point is, they are there. And if those people are in my life, with all of their own issues in their own baskets, and they aren't clutching those baskets tightly and running for the hills every time they get a little freaked out... why am I doing that??

I stopped washing the dishes for a moment and just allowed that thought to sink in. I am running away from people who say they care about me. I am pushing away people who say they want to be my support system. I am getting angry because I am convinced that no one understands what I am going through, but the harsh reality is that they aren't obligated to understand. They just want to be there. And I'm making it really hard for them to do that.

No one is perfect. We all have our body issues, our mental illnesses, our laziness problems, our financial woes, our fears that we just can't seem to conquer, and our impulses that always get us into trouble. We can decide that those things are deeds punishable by life sentence in solitary- away from everyone we need in our lives in order to keep going. Or, we can see those things for what they really are: human conditions that we are here to overcome and learn from. They are not reason for us to be unloved or isolated. They are not reasons for us to be alone forever, or to shut ourselves away from the rest of humanity. They are not reasons for us to constantly punish ourselves and allow ourselves to be punished by others. If anything, these issues that we all have, are all the more reason to reach out and give one another all the love we can offer.

New Goals

Maybe it's the meds I'm taking, but I feel pretty peaceful today. Kind of daydream-y. I've been thinking about goals.

For a while, after my fibromyalgia diagnosis, I gave up on goals. I was in so much pain, and so exhausted all the time- I felt like there was no way I would ever be able to set another goal for myself. It was too much work to just get out of bed, let alone work toward some lofty goal. So I moped, I admit. I grieved the loss of the capable person I used to be. I mourned my independence. It was a pretty rough period for me.

I feel like I may be starting to come out of the mourning period, at last. I still have to deal with my illnesses and the ways in which they limit me, of course. Those will never go away. And I will never reach my old goals. But I feel, for the first time, like I can find ways to work around my limitations and maybe reach new goals.

One goal I have is to move out of Tennessee. It's something I've wanted to do as far back as I can remember. Tennessee is a beautiful state with some rich southern culture and lovely landscapes, but it's just not where I want to be. It's not where my heart calls me to be. I have always felt a longing to move west. At first it was the Pacific northwest. I vacationed in Seattle, Washington years ago and fell in love with it! I cried when I had to return home to the south. I vowed that some day I would relocate to that beautiful place.

However, I think my plans have since changed. I still love the Pacific northwest and would definitely enjoy frequent visits there to enjoy its beauty and its culture. But since developing fibromyalgia, my body does not fare well in cool, wet climates. In Tennessee, we have cool, wet winters, and it practically kills me! It is by far the worst pain trigger for me. So the Pacific northwest would not be an ideal place for me to live, unfortunately.

This summer, I discovered my love of heat.

It started with my desire to get a suntan- an achievement I have never been able to obtain, thanks to my pale Scottish skin that freckles instead of tanning. But I was determined to try! So I bought a red bikini, some tanning accelerator, some sunscreen, and some aloe gel (because I was pretty sure a sunburn was inevitable). For a week straight, I laid outside on a blanket for 15 minutes on each side. Two things surprised me:

1. I didn't burn.

2. The heat from the sun actually decreased my pain level for the rest of the day!

As you can probably imagine, I was thrilled with this discovery and started to feel like a sun-worshiper. All I wanted to do was be outside in the heat! I didn't care about bugs, or sweat, or even sunburn! All I cared about was that the heat took away my fibro pain temporarily, and I could feel normal again for a few hours. It was amazing.

So now, can you guess where I would move to, if given the chance? In case you can't, here's a hint:

In case you couldn't guess, it's New Mexico. :)

I choose New Mexico because, from my research, it's absolutely gorgeous, fairly affordable to live in, and has a very agreeable warm, dry climate. There seems to be plenty to do, as well- especially if you enjoy history and nature, like me. It just seems right up my alley.

I won't be able to move for quite some time, but for now, a girl can certainly dream.

On Being Child-free

Don't let the title of this post give you the wrong idea about my character. I like children. Especially children between the ages of 4 and 10. Any age before or after is almost unbearable to deal with. Before 4, they're too whiny, too needy, require too much supervision, and they can't tell you what they want in any way except for squalling. Any age after 10, and they think they know everything, think that you have no purpose except to give them what they want, and have smart mouths.

I decided as a very small child that I would never have children. I remember my mother and other adults telling me, "Oh you'll change your mind when you're older." Well, I'm 34 years old, and I still haven't changed my mind. I love my freedom too much. I love the fact that if I choose, I can travel the world, without having another dependent person to think about. I love that I can decorate my home and not have to worry about some kid breaking my valuables or getting my carpet dirty. I love the fact that I can watch R-rated films any time I want, without worrying about the effect they're having on my kids. I could go on and on about why I love the child-free life, but you get the idea.

I like to spend time with children, briefly. I love to babysit. I like to share interesting little things with children, because they are new to the world, and everything impresses them. I love to teach children the sweet nursery songs of my own childhood. I love to cuddle them, cook for them, and play with them. Being with children allows me to see the world through new eyes, and that's really refreshing and wonderful.

However, nothing is better than handing your kids back to you at the end of the day, settling down with a good book, and enjoying the peace and quiet. And I'm finally realizing that that doesn't make me a bad person. :)

An Observation On Fat Clothing

As a result of recovering from an eating disorder I've had for years, I have been gaining weight. A lot of weight. Fifteen pounds, so far, in fact.

This extra weight has forced me to face the old dreaded chore of clothes shopping. Ask any fat girl, and she will confirm that shopping is usually something she hates to do. Every fat girl is shaped differently; we all have our lumps, bumps, and curves in different places. Mainstream off-the-rack clothing for plus-sized women definitely doesn't seem to understand this!

As for me personally, I have long, thin limbs and a shorter, fatter torso. I'm larger around, but my breasts are pretty small for my frame. So finding bras, shirts, and jeans that fit is a sheer nightmare! If the jeans fit around the waist, they're too loose and baggy around my butt and thighs. If they fit snugly and flatteringly to my thighs and butt, they won't close around my tummy. When looking for a bra, I need a larger band with smaller cups- good luck finding THAT! And don't even get me started on how the plus-size clothing looks compared to the average or junior clothing.

Junior clothes = Pretty Little Liars.

 Plus-size clothes = Annie Wilkes from the movie 'Misery'.

In short, it's a kerfuffle of an ordeal, and I often will leave the shop with nothing but a few drab t-shirts in XXL. It's puzzling to me why more clothing designers and producers aren't designing CUTE clothing for plus-size women- after all, WE are the majority!!! The average woman in the United States is a size 16 (and many of us are larger than that!). You'd think they'd look at us big girls as cash cows (no pun intended), and start doing something about it.

Until they do, the search for stylish fat girl clothes will go on.

Love

I saw this quotation on Facebook this morning, and it has been rolling around in my brain all day since.

I have never read anything more true, more endearing, or more important. Love is not easy all the time. Love is not a fairy tale. Love is not finding someone who will do whatever they can to make you happy (that's YOUR job).

Love is acceptance. Love is commitment. Love is allowing someone to be who they are now, who they were before you knew them, and who they will be long after they have known you. Love is deciding to stay, even when the honeymoon phase is over, or when they start to have eyes for someone else, even while they still love you. Love is something that was made to be shared, multiplied, and celebrated- not hoarded, or selective.

I have but one goal in the time I spend on this earth: to learn how to open myself fully to love, in its real and genuine form; to share it, produce it, and let it be the light that guides me.

Why I Don't Have A Bucket List

Ever since the movie 'Bucket List' was released in 2007, the phrase has been tossed around so often it's now a household word. A Bucket List is a list of things that you want to have done or accomplished before you "kick the bucket". Seems like everyone has one!

There is nothing wrong with having goals you'd like to accomplish before you leave this world, but I can't really bring myself to make my own Bucket List, and here's why: I don't want the pressure of a list of things (which I may or may not be able to do) looming over me for the rest of my life.

Instead, I look at each day as a gift, and I am thankful for whatever that day brings me. So I may not travel outside the US before I die, or wear a size 8, or write a novel. But every day that I can get out of bed and enjoy the small blessings in my life, I'm fine with not planning a whole list of things to race toward.

Inner Light

Whew!

Just finished a 22 minute walk (with bursts of jogging!). I feel exhausted but hopeful. Hopeful that my road to recovery will be swift and successful, and that I can get to my fitness goal and feel great about myself.

I want to be as healthy as possible, given my health issues. Mentally, I am coming along nicely, if I do say so myself. I feel more positive than I have felt in a long time. Partly because of the bipolar medication that is stabilizing my moods, and partly (I think) because I am determined to change for the better. I'm tired of living my life in fear. It's time to grow up, let go of old baggage, and learn to see the best in everything and everyone. Time to ignite my inner light and let it be my guide in all things.

I feel like for the first time in my life, I am on my way to being balanced. And that feels great.

Everyday Supplements

So I wanted to write a bit about the supplements I am taking daily, and the changes I have begun to see as a result.

Here's a list of what I take each day, and the results I have noticed:

• Prenatal vitamin,  1 a day. This isn't just for pregnant women!! Any woman can take a prenatal vitamin and enjoy the benefits of stronger nails and hair, better skin, and extra minerals like iron and calcium. Since taking these, I've noticed a definite difference in my nails- they're very strong and grow exceedingly fast. They rarely break.
• Evening Primrose Oil, 1000 mg a day. This supplement is for women with menstrual issues like painful or heavy periods, PCOS, or acne related to hormonal imbalances. I take them every day, and I have noticed a definite improvement in my periods. They're more regulated now, and my hormonal acne is definitely at a minimum. My PMS symptoms are also more mild as a result of taking this supplement.
• Magnesium, 500 mg a day. This is supposed to promote bone and muscle health, and as someone with fibromyalgia, I can tell you, I need all the help I can get in that department! Since beginning this supplement, I have experienced an amazing improvement in my muscle pain. It's still there, but it's very much diminished from when before I wasn't taking magnesium. Specifically, my calf muscles, which always were sore and tender to the touch. They now feel much, much better and don't hurt when I touch or massage them.
• Omega 3s (DHA and EPA), 500 mg a day. This has been a wonder supplement for me! Since beginning these softgels, I have grown thicker hair, developed a perfectly regular and on-time period each month, and even my stress level and moods have been more stabilized. As a vegan, I realized I was not getting my recommended amount of these nutrients, and I had no idea that I was severely malnourished as a result. I am certainly thankful for these supplements!
• Iron, 27 mg, one a day while menstruating. I don't take iron every day, because my prenatal vitamin contains enough of it to suffice a healthy daily dosage. But on days when I am menstruating, I find that taking a bit of extra iron helps me keep my energy and strength up, preventing temporary anemia.

• Inositol (vitamin B8), 600 mg per day. This was a vitamin that I had no idea existed until very recently. Here's what it supposedly does: 

"Inositol is used for diabetic nerve pain, panic disorder, high cholesterol, insomnia, cancer, depression, schizophrenia, Alzheimer’s disease, attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, promoting hair growth, a skin disorder called psoriasis, and treating side effects of medical treatment with lithium. Inositol is also used by mouth for treating conditions associated with polycystic ovary syndrome, including failure to ovulate; high blood pressure; high triglycerides; and high levels of testosterone." 

          I have nerve pain, panic disorder, depression, thinning hair (as a result of PCOS), and slightly elevated testosterone. So this supplement has been amazing for me. I take a spoonful in my coffee each day, and since I began, I've noticed definite changes in my moods, my hair growth, and my nerve pain. It's unbelievable. It even seems to help with my anxiety, too.



So, there they are- my wonder "drugs". I remember my grandmother, at 85 years old, with a travel-case full of her daily supplements. At the time, I was astounded at how many she took each day. But now that I am reaping the benefits of my own array of supplements, I can see why she lived a full and healthy life up until her death, and why she remained younger-looking than her peers!

I'm sure that in time, my vitamin list will grow, as hers did. And that's fine with me. :)

"You Don't Look Sick."

People with invisible illnesses are quite used to hearing the phrase "You don't look sick.". Sometimes it's uttered in skepticism, sometimes in awe, and sometimes it's hurled at us in non-verbal ways, when friends and family think our pain is all in our heads. What I try to explain to the folks who don't understand is that you don't have to look sick to be sick.

There are plenty of invisible illnesses and disabilities out there. Just because you can't look at someone and see they are suffering, doesn't mean they aren't. My personal experience with invisible illnesses goes back a long way, to high school. I became anorexic when I was 14 years old. I ate less than 800 calories a day, and I religiously exercised, to the point of passing out and not having a period. But if you look at a photo of me from high school, you would not see an anorexic.

Instead, you see a fat girl with healthy-looking hair and skin. No one had any idea that I had an eating disorder and was doing major damage to my body. And because I didn't "look sick", my eating disorder continued, undiscovered. It still has not gone away.

That isn't all- my other invisible illnesses include:

* polycysctic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)- an endocrine disorder that causes a hormonal imbalance. Its symptoms are not always visible. They can include infertility, weight gain, inability to lose weight, painful irregular periods, excessive face or body hair, and a higher risk for endometriosis.

* endometriosis- a very painful condition in which the cells of the uterus lining leak out of the uterus and grow inside the body, spreading to other organs and "gumming up" muscles and nerves. These wayward uterine cells can develop their own nerve centers (causing major pain!) and even menstruate! This condition leads to a higher risk of cancer and ectopic pregnancies.

* fibromyalgia- a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. This illness has stolen my ability to lead a normal life. I can no longer work, go out socially, or even complete daily household chores. Taking a shower hurts. Washing dishes hurts. Sitting for longer than 30 minutes hurts. Sleeping hurts!! This condition is very painful and debilitating for some, and for others, it's mild and they manage to work around it with medication. Yet on the outside, the person with fibro appears perfectly healthy and capable.

* bipolar disorder-  a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide.

* dyslexia- a language processing disorder that can hinder reading, writing, the ability to do basic math, spelling and sometimes even speaking. Dyslexia is not a sign of poor intelligence or laziness. It is also not the result of impaired vision. Children and adults with dyslexia simply have a neurological disorder that causes their brains to process and interpret information differently. My dyslexia has caused me a lot of strife- particularly when it came to performing at my jobs.


These disorders are not visible to the naked eye. And most of them can't even be seen or discovered through an X-ray or other medical test. They're invisible. And when you have them, you won't look sick. But the reality is that you suffer every day in every area of your life when you have an illness like this. When people disregard your suffering as "all in your head", it is like telling someone with cancer to "man up and deal with it". The best way to combat this type of non-compassionate behavior is to educate people on illnesses that cannot be easily seen (or seen at all). The more we spread awareness about these conditions and the importance of understanding them, the less we will have to hear those dreaded words: "You don't look sick."

New Therapy

I started the process of  therapy recently.

I have only had one visit with my therapist so far, but it went well (to my surprise) and he made me very comfortable. The facility was nice, the people were friendly, and overall, I felt like they could help me.

The first visit was an intake visit, so there wasn't much in-depth talking going on, but we touched on my past trauma and how it is affecting me today. In time, I hope to make progress with behavioral therapy, and perhaps overcome my fear and anxiety that plagues me every single day and prevents me from living a real life.

My pain has been increased lately (I blame weather changes), but I'm trying really hard to maintain a positive outlook- even if I don't always show it outwardly. >.>

I realize that I have a lot of issues to work through, and that my journey is at the very beginning. But I'm giving it all I have. That's all I can do.

Perspective

Perspective is something I am trying to bring into my life and myself presently.

As an artist, I understand that perspective is very important for developing an eye for proportion and dimension. This not only applies to art, I am realizing. It applies to everything. How I see the world, how I see others, how I see my relationships, and how I see myself, both inside and out.

I've long struggled with my weight as a result of PCOS and adrenal fatigue. It's caused me a lot of grief and lead to me having a pretty low self-esteem. As a young adult and teen, I suffered through eating disorders and over-exercising in an attempt to reach the "ideal" body. When those methods failed, I felt worthless, like I couldn't even accomplish such a seemingly easy task as weight loss. (Less calories in, more calories burned. It should be that simple, right? Wrong.) The fact is, because my body didn't change the way I wanted it to, I saw myself as a failure and a waste of space. My entire self-esteem was dependent upon how I saw my body.

Years later, at 33 years old, I'm realizing this still holds true for me. When I am losing/have lost weight, my self esteem tends to rise, bubble up like champagne! I feel great, I think I look good, and I feel worthy of being touched, looked at, and loved. Yet, on the opposite end, when I am gaining or have gained weight, I feel repulsive, untouchable, unworthy of being looked at or loved. I realize this is unhealthy and unfair to me.

Why do I allow myself to make my body such an important part of how I am to be treated by others and by myself? When I look at magazines and watch movies, I realize that the women I see are paid to look the way they do. I realize that most of the ones in the magazines have been Photosopped and they themselves don't even look like what the mags present them as! When I look at women on the street, I appreciate and embrace all body types- tall, short, thin, fat, chubby, curvy, boyish, athletic- they're all unique and lovely in my eyes. So why can't I look at myself and see the same unique and lovely body?

The answer to that is perspective.

My goal for this year is to work tirelessly on correcting my distorted perspective- in art, life, my relationships, and in how I see myself.

A Journey Toward The Positive

 I will make my first entry about who I am and what I'm going to write about here. There is a lot more to me and my past than what I can ever put to paper, but this blog is about my journey toward contentment, health, and true happiness. The kind that comes from within, not without.

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in 2004, after realizing that I had almost every symptom of it. I had never had my first menstrual cycle (I was 24!), I was unable to lose weight even though I jogged daily and ate fewer than 800 calories a day (I was anorexic in high school). I had poor skin and excessive body/facial hair, both of which were extremely embarrassing. These problems were accompanied by depression and low self-esteem.

After being diagnosed, my doctor prescribed birth control pills, which admittedly did make my period start, but also did nothing more. I have since gone on and off birth control, but as of 4 months ago, my period has been regular. I credit this to a supplement I've started called 'Omega3 DHA-EFA'. I get the vegan version made from seaweed, as I have been vegan for almost a year now.

Once I did start having a period, they were heavy, extremely painful, and came with mood swings, irritability, and nausea. It still affects me this way each month! But my hope is that in time, I can see an endocrinologist and get my hormones corrected. That's part of the journey I will record here.

Just last year, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. This is undoubtedly the medical issue that causes me the most grief. Chronic pain, headaches, vertigo, constant fatigue, nausea, brain fog, aches and pains of every kind- dull, sharp, thudding, moving, and throbbing. It seems like every day a new fibro symptom is revealed. Gluten sensitivity, tooth sensitivity, eye sensitivity. This is a fairly random illness, and everyone who suffers from it feels it in a different way.

As a result of this illness, I have had to stop working, and last year I applied for disability benefits. This alone has been a major struggle for me. I've been a working person for years, and to have to give up my independence in this way makes me feel ashamed, worthless, and like I am a burden to everyone I know. It caused me to spiral into a depression that has been very hard to recover from. I became convinced that no one wanted to deal with the problems I presented. It was causing intense problems with how I relate to the people in my life.

I recently found a support group on Facebook for people with chronic illness, and talking to the people there who are going through the same things I am has made a difference in how I feel about my health problems. I realize that what I'm going through right now is a grieving process- I'm mourning the loss of the person I used to be. I didn't know that before.

 My life has changed, and therefore I have changed in many ways. But my core values are the same, and my wishes essentially have not changed. The people in my life who don't understand or accept my illness and my new life...they don't matter. They are close-minded and judgmental. And frankly I don't want to waste my time and energy on worrying about them. I'm not going to kill myself worrying about calories anymore, especially since it doesn't do any good whatsoever. It's a waste.

From now on, I would like my life to be focused on positivity, transformation, and learning how to nurture and love myself. This blog will be about ways I do that, and the results!