Light Breaking Through The Darkness

Earlier I had a meltdown.

I was on the verge of slipping into my bathroom, finding a clean, unused razor in my medicine cabinet, and going to town on some hidden part of my body, the way I have done many times in my past. I have had a lot of triggers in the past two weeks that have stressed my body, mind, and spirit to the absolute max (for me), and I am not proud to say that suicide has been in my "Top 5" of revolving door thoughts this week.

But as an example of how quickly a bipolar mind can change, I wanted to write here and explain what happened five minutes ago as I was washing dishes.

Washing dishes has never been a displeasure for me. Most people complain about the chore, but I rather like it and usually will volunteer to do it. It's like a bubble bath for my hands, and as a bonus, it gets my kitchen clean. Hey, that's a swift sell for me. And doing the dishes usually gives me time to break the cycle of chaotic darkness that is constantly swirling in my mind. I can focus solely on the task at hand, aaaand maybe also allow my mind to create a little world in the basin- islands of soap bubbles, surrounding oceans of oyster-gray washwater, with murky depths that hold treasures of clay and steel (a.k.a., my dishes) below. I like to imagine that time is much faster in this little water world. Continents of soap are reshaped in a matter of seconds. Tidal waves destroy mountains of suds in an instant. And a single swirly motion of my hand can wipe the entire world away...

I'm getting away from my point. Sudsing up my dinnerware in the sink, my mind drifted away from my lousy situation and into a sudden realization (one that would probably make anyone else roll their eyes and say "Duh.", but I'm far slower than most people). The realization that no one is perfect.

This is an old chestnut that gets tossed around all the time, but I guess today its meaning really attached itself to my personal situation. I have issues. Yeah. No one is denying that. We could list them all and still not be finished by tomorrow. But when I think of the people I compare myself to the most, and the people I distance myself from for fear that they will judge me for my issues, and the people I am afraid of because I hold them in such high esteem? I realize now that they have their own issues too. Some are just as serious as mine, and some aren't. But the point is, they are there. And if those people are in my life, with all of their own issues in their own baskets, and they aren't clutching those baskets tightly and running for the hills every time they get a little freaked out... why am I doing that??

I stopped washing the dishes for a moment and just allowed that thought to sink in. I am running away from people who say they care about me. I am pushing away people who say they want to be my support system. I am getting angry because I am convinced that no one understands what I am going through, but the harsh reality is that they aren't obligated to understand. They just want to be there. And I'm making it really hard for them to do that.

No one is perfect. We all have our body issues, our mental illnesses, our laziness problems, our financial woes, our fears that we just can't seem to conquer, and our impulses that always get us into trouble. We can decide that those things are deeds punishable by life sentence in solitary- away from everyone we need in our lives in order to keep going. Or, we can see those things for what they really are: human conditions that we are here to overcome and learn from. They are not reason for us to be unloved or isolated. They are not reasons for us to be alone forever, or to shut ourselves away from the rest of humanity. They are not reasons for us to constantly punish ourselves and allow ourselves to be punished by others. If anything, these issues that we all have, are all the more reason to reach out and give one another all the love we can offer.

New Goals

Maybe it's the meds I'm taking, but I feel pretty peaceful today. Kind of daydream-y. I've been thinking about goals.

For a while, after my fibromyalgia diagnosis, I gave up on goals. I was in so much pain, and so exhausted all the time- I felt like there was no way I would ever be able to set another goal for myself. It was too much work to just get out of bed, let alone work toward some lofty goal. So I moped, I admit. I grieved the loss of the capable person I used to be. I mourned my independence. It was a pretty rough period for me.

I feel like I may be starting to come out of the mourning period, at last. I still have to deal with my illnesses and the ways in which they limit me, of course. Those will never go away. And I will never reach my old goals. But I feel, for the first time, like I can find ways to work around my limitations and maybe reach new goals.

One goal I have is to move out of Tennessee. It's something I've wanted to do as far back as I can remember. Tennessee is a beautiful state with some rich southern culture and lovely landscapes, but it's just not where I want to be. It's not where my heart calls me to be. I have always felt a longing to move west. At first it was the Pacific northwest. I vacationed in Seattle, Washington years ago and fell in love with it! I cried when I had to return home to the south. I vowed that some day I would relocate to that beautiful place.

However, I think my plans have since changed. I still love the Pacific northwest and would definitely enjoy frequent visits there to enjoy its beauty and its culture. But since developing fibromyalgia, my body does not fare well in cool, wet climates. In Tennessee, we have cool, wet winters, and it practically kills me! It is by far the worst pain trigger for me. So the Pacific northwest would not be an ideal place for me to live, unfortunately.

This summer, I discovered my love of heat.

It started with my desire to get a suntan- an achievement I have never been able to obtain, thanks to my pale Scottish skin that freckles instead of tanning. But I was determined to try! So I bought a red bikini, some tanning accelerator, some sunscreen, and some aloe gel (because I was pretty sure a sunburn was inevitable). For a week straight, I laid outside on a blanket for 15 minutes on each side. Two things surprised me:

1. I didn't burn.

2. The heat from the sun actually decreased my pain level for the rest of the day!

As you can probably imagine, I was thrilled with this discovery and started to feel like a sun-worshiper. All I wanted to do was be outside in the heat! I didn't care about bugs, or sweat, or even sunburn! All I cared about was that the heat took away my fibro pain temporarily, and I could feel normal again for a few hours. It was amazing.

So now, can you guess where I would move to, if given the chance? In case you can't, here's a hint:

In case you couldn't guess, it's New Mexico. :)

I choose New Mexico because, from my research, it's absolutely gorgeous, fairly affordable to live in, and has a very agreeable warm, dry climate. There seems to be plenty to do, as well- especially if you enjoy history and nature, like me. It just seems right up my alley.

I won't be able to move for quite some time, but for now, a girl can certainly dream.

On Being Child-free

Don't let the title of this post give you the wrong idea about my character. I like children. Especially children between the ages of 4 and 10. Any age before or after is almost unbearable to deal with. Before 4, they're too whiny, too needy, require too much supervision, and they can't tell you what they want in any way except for squalling. Any age after 10, and they think they know everything, think that you have no purpose except to give them what they want, and have smart mouths.

I decided as a very small child that I would never have children. I remember my mother and other adults telling me, "Oh you'll change your mind when you're older." Well, I'm 34 years old, and I still haven't changed my mind. I love my freedom too much. I love the fact that if I choose, I can travel the world, without having another dependent person to think about. I love that I can decorate my home and not have to worry about some kid breaking my valuables or getting my carpet dirty. I love the fact that I can watch R-rated films any time I want, without worrying about the effect they're having on my kids. I could go on and on about why I love the child-free life, but you get the idea.

I like to spend time with children, briefly. I love to babysit. I like to share interesting little things with children, because they are new to the world, and everything impresses them. I love to teach children the sweet nursery songs of my own childhood. I love to cuddle them, cook for them, and play with them. Being with children allows me to see the world through new eyes, and that's really refreshing and wonderful.

However, nothing is better than handing your kids back to you at the end of the day, settling down with a good book, and enjoying the peace and quiet. And I'm finally realizing that that doesn't make me a bad person. :)