Second blog entry of today.
I received a call from my little brother (at 30, not so little anymore) today. He's been staying with extended family for a while until he gets his new out-of-city job secured and ready to go. He shed some light on recent opinions that were spoken about me by these extended family members. Could this be seen as gossip? Probably. Does that make me feel guilty for writing about it? Nope.
See, this particular family member has a notorious history of addiction. Her mother had it, her brother had it, her father had it. So the poor girl really got the short end of the stick when it came to this. She also happens to have a chronic pain disorder (or so she says) that allows her access to pretty much any pain medication. When I saw her last year, she made a huge production about the fact that she has ceased all pain medication and handles her chronic pain "as it comes", sans pills or patches. This struck me as odd in the moment, because of 1. the huge production part, and 2. the fact that I also happen to have the very same chronic pain disorder, and I can't live without some form of pain relief on my worst days.
So I kind of sort of knew she was lying about not being on pain meds.
Fast forward to today. My brother tells me that this particular family member has been caught trying to hide her massive pain pill addiction, and that her husband finally came clean about how much money they were spending on street pain meds. Pain meds that she claims she isn't taking. Pain meds that she told me STRAIGHT OUT that she is not taking.
Here's the thing about addiction: it's not a choice. I realize this, and I realize that this family member of mine needs help. I realize that my bitterness about being lied to is a natural reaction, even though I am aware that lying is just what addicts often do. And I also realize that my passing judgment on her (because seriously, that's what I did on the phone with my bro this morning) is unChristian and uncalled for. I will pray about that. And I will also pray for this girl, for her husband, and for their child/pets (who no doubt are suffering from living with her as well).
But please, do not think that you can lie to my face and that I will be stupid enough to swallow that lie whole. I am an INFJ (see this) on the Myers-Briggs test, with an empath soul and trust issues. I will know if you are lying to me. And if you burn me once, you can be sure you will never be allowed close enough to me to do it again.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Let's Talk About Catching Feelings Too Soon
Almost any girl (and some guys?) will know what I'm talking about here. That awkward moment when someone tells you they are "falling for you" after only 2 days of talking...ONLINE.
Now, I'm not cold and heartless. I understand that sometimes feelings of "oh my god you're so much of what I look for in a person!" can happen as soon as, well, the first conversation. I know how it is- you instantly click, you get one another's senses of humor, you have a similar background, you like the same foods, movies, music. All of this can be discovered within the first day of chatting. And it's okay to be excited at the potential that represents. Really, it is!
Everyone wants that type of connection. Everyone appreciates feeling like someone out there understands them and what they're about. It's fun and exciting to meet that person you feel like you have known forever. And yeah, at the risk of sounding like a desperation case- it can even be fun to imagine what possibilities lie ahead for you both.
But let's face harsh reality here.
As much as you love the fact that the other person adores Limburger cheese as much as you do, or attends church three times a week and loved your favorite book just like you do!, an honest to God solid relationship just can't be based on a 2-day acquaintance. It just can't. In two days, you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of a person.
People are kaleidoscopes. Fragmented shiny little pieces, all different shades and shapes and sizes. Some people carry more baggage than others. Some have hidden disorders. Some seem batshit crazy on the outside but are actually pretty damned stable. My point is that for all you know about a person in the course of 2 days (or a week, or hell, a year sometimes!), there is a whole heck of a lot that you don't know yet and probably can never know until you have spent considerable time with them in person.
So, the next time you are chatting online with that cutie who makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and full of potential, remember that you have only seen a sliver of who they really are. And try not to catch feelings too soon.
Now, I'm not cold and heartless. I understand that sometimes feelings of "oh my god you're so much of what I look for in a person!" can happen as soon as, well, the first conversation. I know how it is- you instantly click, you get one another's senses of humor, you have a similar background, you like the same foods, movies, music. All of this can be discovered within the first day of chatting. And it's okay to be excited at the potential that represents. Really, it is!
Everyone wants that type of connection. Everyone appreciates feeling like someone out there understands them and what they're about. It's fun and exciting to meet that person you feel like you have known forever. And yeah, at the risk of sounding like a desperation case- it can even be fun to imagine what possibilities lie ahead for you both.
But let's face harsh reality here.
As much as you love the fact that the other person adores Limburger cheese as much as you do, or attends church three times a week and loved your favorite book just like you do!, an honest to God solid relationship just can't be based on a 2-day acquaintance. It just can't. In two days, you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of a person.
People are kaleidoscopes. Fragmented shiny little pieces, all different shades and shapes and sizes. Some people carry more baggage than others. Some have hidden disorders. Some seem batshit crazy on the outside but are actually pretty damned stable. My point is that for all you know about a person in the course of 2 days (or a week, or hell, a year sometimes!), there is a whole heck of a lot that you don't know yet and probably can never know until you have spent considerable time with them in person.
So, the next time you are chatting online with that cutie who makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and full of potential, remember that you have only seen a sliver of who they really are. And try not to catch feelings too soon.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Willowbrook Dream
I just awoke from a really strange and pitiful dream.
In the dream, I am a young boy of about 12 years old, with a little sister that I protect and care for. She is autistic and does not speak. We are both in some sort of Edwardian orphanage, where autism wasn't even a known-of thing. We are treated horrifically. The residents who are physically disabled suffer even more.
I remember getting lost in dark corridors, with what seemed like hundreds of doors and hidden passageways, and stairways at every turn. The walls were white, but the wainscoting and stairs were painted a dark, glossy black, which made it even harder to see. Most of the time I had no candle and had to feel my way around with my hands outstretched. My sister followed me around faithfully; she knew that no one else cared as I did.
I remember seeing rooms full of debilitated people, naked, and covered with their own filth. In rooms with no beds or light. Curled up on the floor or trying to climb walls. Ghostly, haunted faces. It reminded me of the famous 1980s Geraldo coverage of the conditions at Willowbrook Home, in New York. It was appalling and shameful and heartbreaking.
After waking from this dream, I prayed long and hard about the world. I prayed that people would find understanding and compassion in their hearts, and see the developmentally disabled and the physically disabled as children of God who need our love and protection from things they can't protect themselves from- such as this type of neglect and abuse.
I prayed that, if God wants it so, I someday may be used in service of these people. To care for and love them, when no one else will.
My feelings about the universe are changing yet again. I feel as though perhaps I will someday be able to be of use after all.
In the dream, I am a young boy of about 12 years old, with a little sister that I protect and care for. She is autistic and does not speak. We are both in some sort of Edwardian orphanage, where autism wasn't even a known-of thing. We are treated horrifically. The residents who are physically disabled suffer even more.
I remember getting lost in dark corridors, with what seemed like hundreds of doors and hidden passageways, and stairways at every turn. The walls were white, but the wainscoting and stairs were painted a dark, glossy black, which made it even harder to see. Most of the time I had no candle and had to feel my way around with my hands outstretched. My sister followed me around faithfully; she knew that no one else cared as I did.
I remember seeing rooms full of debilitated people, naked, and covered with their own filth. In rooms with no beds or light. Curled up on the floor or trying to climb walls. Ghostly, haunted faces. It reminded me of the famous 1980s Geraldo coverage of the conditions at Willowbrook Home, in New York. It was appalling and shameful and heartbreaking.
After waking from this dream, I prayed long and hard about the world. I prayed that people would find understanding and compassion in their hearts, and see the developmentally disabled and the physically disabled as children of God who need our love and protection from things they can't protect themselves from- such as this type of neglect and abuse.
I prayed that, if God wants it so, I someday may be used in service of these people. To care for and love them, when no one else will.
My feelings about the universe are changing yet again. I feel as though perhaps I will someday be able to be of use after all.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Insomnia
This is my night/morning so far:
- Have insomnia despite taking a sleeping pill.
- Finally fall asleep, only to have recurring nightmare about a woman weeping and not being able to locate her.
- Wake up from nightmare (after only 2 hours sleep) with heartburn.
- Can't fall asleep again so I get up and start playing the Sims 4.
This really is wearing me down. This illness has stolen the life from my body. I may as well be dead, because what life is worth living when it's like this???? I am just really down and sad about what I can no longer do.
- Have insomnia despite taking a sleeping pill.
- Finally fall asleep, only to have recurring nightmare about a woman weeping and not being able to locate her.
- Wake up from nightmare (after only 2 hours sleep) with heartburn.
- Can't fall asleep again so I get up and start playing the Sims 4.
This really is wearing me down. This illness has stolen the life from my body. I may as well be dead, because what life is worth living when it's like this???? I am just really down and sad about what I can no longer do.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
So... About Positivity.
I created this blog in an attempt to express my positive thoughts and feelings, as I have them. I wanted it to be a place I could turn to when life got tough, as a lighthouse of sorts, to guide me back to positive thinking. In a way it is that. But lately I have realized that I no longer want to segregate my emotions into compartments.
I am partly positive, happy, in love with the simple and beautiful things in life. Ready to change and grow and love. Being positive is a healthy thing. It allows us to train our brains to see blessings instead of curses, and it's actually healthy for your physical body too!
But I am also partly negative. Dark, moody, cynical, and aware of every ugly thing this world holds. It's maybe my bipolar disorder that allows me to see both sides of life. But regardless- it's a valid part of my existence, and I choose to acknowledge it when need be.
Acknowledging the negative in your life is just as much of a necessity, I think. When I am always trying to avoid negative thoughts, I am stifling a part of myself. It builds and builds and becomes an elephant in the room! It also explodes sometimes and throws me into a long depressed state. I have learned that if I slow down and allow all of my feelings to have their moment of focus (positive and negative!), that I am a much more relaxed and balanced individual. It's just better for me.
Perhaps I will start making not only strictly positive entries here, but also the negative. I'll change it to something more realistic, more balanced. It seems healthier. More genuine. More me.
I am partly positive, happy, in love with the simple and beautiful things in life. Ready to change and grow and love. Being positive is a healthy thing. It allows us to train our brains to see blessings instead of curses, and it's actually healthy for your physical body too!
But I am also partly negative. Dark, moody, cynical, and aware of every ugly thing this world holds. It's maybe my bipolar disorder that allows me to see both sides of life. But regardless- it's a valid part of my existence, and I choose to acknowledge it when need be.
Acknowledging the negative in your life is just as much of a necessity, I think. When I am always trying to avoid negative thoughts, I am stifling a part of myself. It builds and builds and becomes an elephant in the room! It also explodes sometimes and throws me into a long depressed state. I have learned that if I slow down and allow all of my feelings to have their moment of focus (positive and negative!), that I am a much more relaxed and balanced individual. It's just better for me.
Perhaps I will start making not only strictly positive entries here, but also the negative. I'll change it to something more realistic, more balanced. It seems healthier. More genuine. More me.
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