I am a demisexual. I always have been. To be clear, in case you didn't read the above sign, demisexual is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.
I knew I was different, growing up around regularly sex-charged people. While my friends were swooning and lusting over celebrities, I would join in (in an attempt to look "normal") while internally wondering how they could be so attracted to someone they didn't even know. My friends would develop crushes on boys at school who they would pass daily in the hallway (the extent of their communication with one another). It baffled me. How could they be so attracted to someone they have never even spoken to?
Perhaps this stems from a problem with trust. I have a past full of abuse, so naturally I have trust issues, and find it difficult to want to be close to people who haven't proven themselves trustworthy in some way. I can look at a person and say if they are physically attractive or not (in the conventional sense), but I can tell you that I cannot be attracted sexually to a person that I don't have an intense emotional bond with.
By "intense", I mean history and connection. When I first met my current boyfriend, I thought of him as just another guy on the internet who wanted to talk to an approachable-looking girl. I chatted with him online several times, not feeling anything in particular for him. In time, I noticed that he was different from the other guys I had chatted with. He asked important, deep questions about me, my life, who I really was. And he really listened.
Eventually, I started to trust that this guy really wanted to know me, and not for some hidden selfish reason. He was a giving person, always checking with me to see if I was emotionally "okay" after telling him about my traumatic past. He seemed to care immensely about my well-being and never made me feel like I should go faster than what I was ready for. That counted for a lot in my book. Made me feel safe, like I could trust him not to push me into something. I started to trust him more and more, until eventually (about a year after meeting him) I started to feel romantic feelings for him.
A year! It took me a year to like the guy. And it took another year before I agreed to meet him in person. This guy waited two years for me. And when we met, he never pressured me. He figuratively held open a door, and let me decide if I wanted to enter it with him. And I did. That's how our relationship works- he holds the door open, and waits for me to decide to enter. Each door I enter into takes us to a deeper part of our relationship, and of course, a deeper trust. He understands my demisexuality and lets me go at my own pace.
Being demisexual is hard. It makes dating a disaster, and I get shunned by most people because I have to move as slow as a snail. But the wait is well worth it, because even though I am introverted, shy, sometimes difficult, and sometimes moody, I am also a loyal, loving, and extremely compassionate person who would do just about anything for someone she loves. Anyone who is patient and interested enough to hold open figurative doors will be glad they did in the long run. I am a person worth knowing.
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