Learning To See Myself As I Really Am

Another bad self-esteem day.

Shave legs, wash hair, wash body, step out of shower, see self naked, want to throw up. Proceed to question everything in my life, including why those I love (and who love me) want to be with me and be around me. This is the vicious cycle that happens every time I glimpse my naked body, or see a photo of my full-body (not just a well-posed, well-lit selfie), or try on clothing that doesn't fit. The self-loathing bubbles up and out of me, poisoning my mind and crushing any ounce of progress I have made with my self-esteem building.

I have a boyfriend. Long-distance, but we've been together on and off for about 6 years. He visited me once, stayed with me for 2 weeks. I was a nervous wreck- sure he was going to be repulsed by me when we met. However, he was affectionate, interested, and seemed to really care for me. I was astounded. This was not normal for me. I was used to being "tolerated", not accepted and desired. He has since stuck by me through thick and thin (literally- I was at one of my highest weights when he was here, and it did not deter him one bit). He guides me, he teaches me, he listens to all of my bipolar ramblings and patiently endures my mood swings and racing thoughts. 

So why do I question his feelings for me? Why do I look in the mirror and think, "He can't possibly want me. Not when I look like this. He deserves better. I'd better let him go and hope that he finds someone perfect."? He tells me over and over that he wants me. He loves me. He desires me. He is not going anywhere. He values the person I am. But my compulsion with self-loathing seems to overpower all of that. 

My therapist has me doing an exercise- I am to keep a journal of all of the things I feel, good or bad. But along with the bad, I have to make a list of all the positive things that I did that day. He says this will help me to balance the bad with the good. It will help me to see that I am not all bad, as I think I am. I have been pretty lax with this exercise, which is something I need to change. I can't get better without really trying.