Lost

The more I contemplate my life, the more lost I am.

Why did these things happen to me? How am I supposed to fix them without resources or help? Am I just going to fall through the cracks? How can I take back control of my life when I am too sick to even be self-sufficient?

Everything I have attempted in life to improve my circumstances has failed. I went to school. Twice. Graduated from one, and they lost my records in a move (incredulously), so there is no proof that I even graduated except for the one slip of paper from the school that announced where the graduation ceremony was to be held. And that doesn't even hold up if you really think about it. Not to mention that school wasn't even accredited, which I had no idea of at the time, and no one cared enough about me to check it out either (like my fucking mother, who should've been looking out for things like this- you know, shit that parents are SUPPOSED TO DO?).

I've worked many jobs- some I wasn't cut out to do (through no fault of my own- I tried and my illnesses made it impossible), and some I absolutely was born to do, but of COURSE, they were yanked out from under me (like the book store I loved working at, that went out of business and left me jobless). My family all deserted me a long time ago, no help there. My "friends" all fucked off, too. People accuse me of "pushing them away", well, hell yes, I'm going to push you out of my life if you are bringing negativity to it!!! You can't keep screwing me over time and time again and then cry and resent me when I finally cut you out! You don't get to be the victim there!!

Then I get sick. Really sick. On top of the illnesses I already had. Fibromyalgia is an ass-kicker, and there's no cure. You can learn to live with it and manage it as best you can, but make no mistake- this illness is CHRONIC and it does what it wants. You may be well enough to go out one day, but then fibro will make you pay for it for the rest of the week. You're its bitch, for sure. And the real kicker? It's invisible and can't be proven with any medical tests, so basically you're walking around in pain all the time but have no way to show people you're legitimately sick and not just lazy or overreacting. So sure, go ahead, fibro, add insult to injury.

The worst part of all of this is that I feel it is making me lose my faith. I'm a Christian, I follow the teachings of Christ (not necessarily the Bible) and I do my best to live in accordance to that. But the shitshow that has been my entire life has caused me to wonder if there even is a point to any of it. Why should I keep praying and being a good person? Who is it helping? Not me, that's for sure. Why should I keep believing, when I am seemingly forgotten by God?

I am so fucking lost.