Lately I feel like a rat stuck to those sticky traps. Still alive, but stuck in one place waiting to die. I have an intense burning need to be real on my social media sites. I don't mean real as in "stop pretending to be someone I'm not"- I'm very open about myself online. I share my real photos, my real name (on Facebook anyway), and I talk about the daily events of my actual life. When I say I want to be real...it means I want to give full disclosure about what I go through, what I feel, what I think, what I hope for, and what I really fear.
The reason I haven't done so before is simple, really. I don't want to show people a side of me that will look like an attention whore. I will be the first to tell you I am needy. I am somewhat high-maintenance in the emotional/mental departments. I need almost constant reassurance. And more reassurance on top of that. I don't like to be alone, yet being with people is the worst hell I can imagine. I want to be able to open my home to strangers or friends (if I had any), yet I am terrified of someone coming into my personal space. I feel so passionately for animals and I would love to volunteer at a rescue shelter, yet my absolute fear of interacting with humans prevents me from doing so. I am developing my faith and deciding on my religion, yet I have not visited a church because of the fear of standing out, being asked questions about who I am, and most of all, doing something wrong. I worry about my appearance. I think others look at me and think I am disgusting. I worry about my health. Every time some new symptom pops up, I wonder if I am dying. I worry about my dyslexia- counting out money, telling time, giving directions, following instructions- it's all very hard for me and makes me look stupid. I worry about my lack of life experience, job experience, and education. I worry about people judging me based on ALL of what I just mentioned.
This is the face of social anxiety. Fear, from the second you wake up til the second you sleep again. And if I expressed my fears and feelings each time I felt them, to others it would look like a desperate need for attention. That's the last thing I want. I fear being in the spotlight. I'm the girl who doesn't volunteer to get on stage at a magic show, and I'm the girl who sticks close to the wall and in the darkest corner at parties (if you can even get me to attend one, that is). I'm the girl who can't even walk into a small venue, because I don't like when everyone turns around to see who just walked in. I don't want attention. Yet, someone once told me that I am "conceited" because I "assume that everyone is paying attention to me" (even though the attention in question is negative).
So do you see my dilemma? If I stay quiet about my anxiety, people think I am closed off and snobbish. If I open up and talk about my anxiety, people think I am seeking attention and making everything about me.
So I'm stuck. Not moving, not speaking, and completely alone. My head is full of thoughts I can't express and can't understand. Some days I honestly just want to die, to stop feeling anything at all. I'm not afraid of death in theory- it happens to us all eventually, and hey, there have been some pretty amazing people who have gone before me. So what is there to fear? If there's an afterlife, I'm good, I'm pretty sure I'll go to a good place. If there's nothing, well then it won't even matter because I won't feel or see or exist anyway. The only thing that stops me when I feel suicidal is the fear of surviving and ending up in a state of mind or body that requires someone else to care for me until I die. And then of course, there's the embarrassment of failure. What do people say about those who failed suicide? Here's what I have heard them say: "She just wanted attention. If she really wanted to kill herself, there are fail-proof ways."
I have a friend who consistently tells me how "normal" I am. I know he means it in a positive way. He's trying to make me feel like less of an outsider. But the truth is that I am not normal. I'm not. It doesn't mean I'm special! It means I am atypical and misunderstood. I am not above anyone. If anything, I am below them. My instincts seem to be vastly different from those of my peers. My thoughts are different, my responses and reactions are so often different. I see things differently. I don't know why.
I am an INFJ on the Myers-Briggs scale. This is the most rare type.
"INFJs have a talent for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with pure logic and fact. It makes sense that their friends and colleagues will come to think of them as quiet Extroverted types, but they would all do well to remember that INFJs need time alone to decompress and recharge, and to not become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw. INFJs take great care of other’s feelings, and they expect the favor to be returned – sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a few days. INFJs are:
- Sensitive – When someone challenges or criticizes INFJs’ principles or values, they are likely to receive an alarmingly strong response. People with the INFJ personality type are highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict, and questioning their motives is the quickest way to their bad side.
- Extremely Private – INFJs tend to present themselves as the culmination of an idea. This is partly because they believe in this idea, but also because INFJs are extremely private when it comes to their personal lives, using this image to keep themselves from having to truly open up, even to close friends. Trusting a new friend can be even more challenging for INFJs.
- Perfectionistic – INFJs are all but defined by their pursuit of ideals. While this is a wonderful quality in many ways, an ideal situation is not always possible – in politics, in business, in romance – and INFJs too often drop or ignore healthy and productive situations and relationships, always believing there might be a better option down the road.
- Always Need to Have a Cause – INFJs get so caught up in the passion of their pursuits that any of the cumbersome administrative or maintenance work that comes between them and the ideal they see on the horizon is deeply unwelcome. INFJs like to know that they are taking concrete steps towards their goals, and if routine tasks feel like they are getting in the way, or worse yet, there is no goal at all, they will feel restless and disappointed.
- Can Burn Out Easily – Their passion, poor patience for routine maintenance, tendency to present themselves as an ideal, and extreme privacy tend to leave INFJs with few options for letting off steam. People with this personality type are likely to exhaust themselves in short order if they don’t find a way to balance their ideals with the realities of day-to-day living."
I am an empath. I feel what others feel, to such an extent that being around a group of people overwhelms me with emotion. I can read energies in people, and I can always sense how others feel about me, or about anyone. It's painful to watch people pretend to feel one way, when I know that in reality, they feel another way. It's confusing and frustrating.
I have SPD (Sensory Perception Disorder), which makes everything I hear, see, smell, taste, or feel amplified to the point of making me disoriented and afraid. If I have a slight stomach ache, it's like a gnawing set of jaws in my belly. If I have a slight headache, it's like someone is crushing my brain in a vice. If there are fireworks somewhere in the distance, it sounds to me like a gun is being fired right next to my head. When I wear clothes or cover up with a blanket, it feels like there is sandpaper against my skin. If there is a cleaning chemical on the floor, to me it's like my nose and throat are being burned by the smell. This is a real disorder, and one that is very hard to live with. I spend most of my days alone in a quiet house as a result.
I am an introvert- being around people drains me. I feel a constant need to be "on", to entertain, to play hostess, to join in to the conversations. This is easy and natural for some. Not for me.
I am a sensitive- I sense things around me that others do not, often making me seem distracted or disinterested in the people or perceivable events around me. This sensitivity even extends to paranormal or supernatual events and entities. Another aspect of me that makes people think I'm some crazy New Age nutjob.
I am sick. I have several chronic physical and mental illnesses, and a new symptom every day. When I talk about it, I get shushed by my family and even a couple of "friends", who compare me to "those old ladies who are always complaining about their aches and pains".
I have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have years of abuse under my belt (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional), and even though I am 35 years old, all of it still affects me every day. I have deep trust issues that make it very difficult (and sometimes impossible) to open up to someone and enjoy their company.
I have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) and truly see an ugly, hideous monster when I see myself in photos or in the mirror. It is hard for me to believe people who tell me I look like any other person, because that is not what I see.
So with all of this...is it at least a little understandable that I feel the way I do? Hopeless, alone, and
STUCK????
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