Blah.

Major depression again.

I've cut myself off from everyone. Not that I have people beating down my door, trying to be in my life. Dad called yesterday and I didn't answer. Mom hasn't been texting much and I'm relieved. My two former best friends don't want to talk to me. My only other online friend and I argue too much for me to really feel comfortable opening up to him.

I feel like what I need and deserve is to be alone, on some island somewhere, with only animals as company. I can't keep accepting friendships with people. It's not fair to them to have to put up with my issues, and it's too heartbreaking to me when they inevitably leave.

One former best friend keeps suggesting that it's somehow MY fault that I am in the depressive state I'm in. He seems to think that it's because I'm not "trying hard enough" to be happy or content with my life as it is. I think this is bullshit. I have bipolar disorder- my brain is wired this way, and nothing except for medication is going to change that. I take my meds as directed, but nothing seems to stop these major depressions from hitting. They really feel like hurricanes- washing over me, drowning me, ruining everything I was just beginning to build for myself, and leaving me with nothing but debris and damage.

I do as I'm told. I do the breathing exercises, the visualizations, the journaling, the meds. But the missing element (and probably the most important one) is people. I need people in my life who actually care about me and want to know what's going on. People who will ask about my progress, work on it with me, and support me emotionally all the way. I have yet to find anyone who will stay. Oh, they all say they will stick around. But 100% of them have left. They say I am "overwhelming" to be around.

Yeah? Well you should try living my life. You don't know what overwhelmed is.