Toxicity

I have a lot of guilt about not being closer to my family.

I've been distant from them since after high school, and we haven't bridged the gap yet. Honestly, we probably never will. They don't make me feel wanted or loved. They don't support me in any way. They are all incredibly self-absorbed and they basically just do their own thing. So why shouldn't I just do my own thing??

My past with my family has not been a happy one. Sure, there were happy moments. But on the whole...my childhood was a rough one and none of the people in charge of making me feel safe ever did so. I grew up walking on egg shells, afraid to show any emotion or tell anyone anything that could possibly be used against me in the future. I had zero trust in my parents. I was downright afraid of my mother and her temper, and I felt more like a parent to my dad when he would start drinking and become a crying suicidal mess.

So why do I feel so obligated to be involved with them? All they do is bring me down and make me feel stressed, used, put down, and guilty. Is it my responsibility to put up with this behavior grudgingly "because they're family"? Or do I owe it to myself to set boundaries and cease contact with anyone who treats me so badly?

The struggle is real.