Jealousy: A Cancer In The Bones

This verse gets me through some of my hardest days. Days when I look around me at all of the people who seem to have everything, seem to have their lives completely together. They have what I lack. They shine with qualities I don't have. They are talented, smart, beautiful, successful, happy. Everything I feel like I am NOT.

Add to all of these insecurities and moments of envy, the fact that I am currently in a polygamous relationship with a man and another woman, and you can see why I struggle with jealousy perhaps more than most. See, I am not jealous in a vengeful, hateful way. I don't do vindictive things in an attempt to get my way, or get my boyfriend all to myself. I actually love the other woman in our relationship, and I admire many qualities about her. I am happy that she wants both of us in her lives, and that my boyfriend sees the value and star-qualities in both of us women.

 A cute scene from the poly-friendly film 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona', depicting a poly relationship between a man and two women

My jealousy comes in the form of self-deprecation and self-pity, even. I will see the wonderful qualities in this other woman, and curse myself for not having those same qualities. I will look at all she has accomplished and feel resentful toward myself that I have not accomplished even half of what she has. I will look at her with our boyfriend, and think, "They are wonderful together and I do not deserve to be in the picture." And I will have feelings of wanting to put distance between me and them- sometimes I will even stop contact with them and descend into a spiral of self-hate and depression.

It's not their faults, it's mine. They do and have done all they can to make me understand that I am wanted and loved and welcome in the relationship. "We are all in this together, we are a family," they say. It's just me who has the problem of overcoming the jealousy I feel. A jealousy that was born due to the teachings of a conservative society.

You don't see positive depictions of poly families, unless there are disastrous or scandalous outcomes. You don't see love stories with two main female love interests. You don't see positive poly anywhere. Those of us who love in this manner are seen as sinful, lustful, un-Christian, and cult-like. The stereotype of underage girls in long prairie style dresses and braided hair- that's what you see in the media. Not loving, nurturing, healthy relationships between of-age partners who CHOSE that life.

 The typical negative poly image 

This is why I struggle with jealousy. A world that is constantly telling me that a man can only love ONE woman, a society that shuns my way of loving, and a media that is constantly portraying the "evils" of a multi-partner relationship. Without these negative influences, I believe that jealousy would plague my heart much less often than it does now.

In time, I hope to let go of my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that comes from comparing myself to everyone else, so that I may focus on more important things. In the meantime, though, the bible verse I posted above is one of the only things that gets me through the days when I feel the little snag of jealousy. That, and of course, the love from my dear partners.