I'm Not Kidding

If there is one thing I could wish for in my life right now, it's that my family and friends would really understand my illnesses and what they do to me.

Here's a list of my ailments, in case you're unfamiliar:
- Fibromyalgia
- Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
- Bipolar Disorder
- Generalized and Social Anxiety
- Migraines
- PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
- PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)
- Dyslexia (not formally diagnosed, but I have every symptom and a high-school teacher suggested that I probably have it)


That list is what rules my life. I wish it wasn't true. But reality is reality. These diseases and disorders keep me from living the life I wanted. I don't work. I don't drive much. I don't have a social life anymore. I don't do much of anything except sit at home, waiting for my meds to start working and wishing I was anywhere else. And wishing I wasn't so alone.

I feel incredibly isolated. This is what happens to sick people, so I hear. We're never well enough to join in on activities or trips or even social house calls. I know that when I hear an unexpected knock at the door on most days, I run to hide in my room. Seriously. When I am not feeling well, even the slightest interruption to my "quiet time" will stress me out, therefore causing my body to tense up, triggering my PTSD and my fibromyalgia pain. This causes a "flare", which means that every nerve in my entire body is singing with pain at once. It usually lands me in bed for a few days.

Sometimes the triggers bring about an anxiety or panic attack (they're not the same thing). An anxiety attack is a slow, dreadful thing. It's when something creeps into your mind slowly and starts to make you worry about it until gradually you are a nervous, aching wreck. A panic attack is swift and sharp. It's what happens if you walk into your apartment at the end of the day only to find a deranged- looking clown, holding an axe, standing in your living room. The heartbeat speeds up, the breath catches, the muscles lock up, and the adrenaline starts pumping, and all you can think of is how to FIGHT or FLEE. That's called fear. That's what happens to a socially anxious person when they're around strangers or crowds or intense interactions with anyone- even close friends or family.

It's hard to express the number of triggers that can cause me to have a flare or cause me to have an anxiety or panic attack. Almost anything can do it. That unexpected knock at my door. A trip to the grocery store. A stressful call from my mother. A missed call from an unknown number. A visit from my brother. My roommate in a bad mood. A meal full of gluten. A crying child in a public place. Seeing a sad commercial. Watching a romantic comedy. Walking laps around the mall. Feeling excluded from my bf's and his gf's life. Seeing a hurt animal or person. Hearing an angry, loud voice. Hearing a leaf blower, thunder, a vacuum, or a blender. Hearing a hammer hitting a nail. Trying on clothes at a shop. Seeing my body in a mirror. You get the point.

Basically, my body is overly sensitive to life itself. We can't avoid other people. We can't hole up in a cave somewhere and expect to be healthy and feel good about existing. We are hard-wired to crave human contact, no matter how introverted we may be. We all need someone. And what I need is someone who will accept, understand, and work with my individual issues and not look down on me for it, or resent me in time.