"Needy"

I've been self-reflecting.

I've noticed that I need attention. A lot of it. Not from just anyone, though. I could care less if strangers pay attention to me, or if I am famous. Seems I only crave attention from those who claim to love me or care about me. I never thought I asked too much of my friends and loved ones... but maybe I do?

It'd be nice to receive daily texts, just updating me on their day, or how they are. Or asking me about my day. It'd be lovely to feel like someone can't wait to talk to me again. It would make my day to have someone call me and really connect for an hour or two. I'd love to know that if I really need to talk to someone, at least one person is ready to drop everything and listen and be present.

 I feel alone almost all of the time. I have no local friends, only long-distance ones through the internet. They're not always online, they have their own lives. My roommate is pretty much my closest friend, but she's working a lot, and when she comes home, she's de-stressing and doesn't want to interact with me. It's understandable! I am not placing blame on any of these people. They have lives. They have their own issues. It's not all about me.

And because I understand this, I have decided to stop reaching out. I will stay quiet, speak when spoken to, and let others come to me if they choose to. I will ask nothing from them and expect nothing. I do not want to be a burden and I do not want to be seen or thought of as some needy, clingy little child who can't leave people alone.

My therapist said that when babies are born, their eye sight only extends to 10 inches. They can't see anything beyond that. It's because 10 inches is the distance between a baby's face and the face of it's mother, when she is nursing. "We are hard wired to recognize faces and form connections with one another. When you need someone, you aren't being "needy". You're being human," he said.

I think that's beautiful. I think humans are meant to be together, to want attention, to be loved and doted on. I would happily dote on those I love. But in today's world... it just isn't what people want. They want convenience. Doting is not convenient. Making time for someone isn't convenient. Texting someone you care about to just ask how they are isn't convenient. And if someone texts YOU, because they're in need of a friend and some attention, it's seen as "needy" and looked at as a negative.

I can't really take any more rejection. I can't be in a constant state of being deprived because of needing attention and love that I never receive from those who say they care about me. Maybe I am just being selfish. Am I greedy for not being satisfied by the crumbs I am thrown? Am I to settle for the meager rations I get, when I know that the people I love could give so much more? Perhaps. I honestly don't know anymore. I can't tell what is "normal". I don't know what society deems "appropriate amounts of attention".

All I know is that I am not getting what I need. And so I will stop needing anything at all.